From around the age of 15-18, I kept seeking out my peer’s approval, and less of my parents, siblings, and God’s support in things. The more I sought out my peer’s consent, the more my beliefs began to shift. The more my beliefs changed, the more decisions I made based on poor choices.
I soon began to lie to my parents, I lied to my siblings, and my friends. I would start to say only what others wanted to hear. Therefore no one would ever get to know the true me the real me. The more I lied, the easier it became till it became a full part myself. I told myself that we make mistakes, as long as no one gets hurt there is no wrong in what I was doing. I am trying to be a right person, and that is good enough. I stuck with that mindset up until I was in my twenties.
After the age of 14, things became more difficult, in my walk with God. I still went to many church functions and would say the right things. Ever so slowly, my heart shifted focus to my friends and wanting confirmation from them. The more that my focus shifted, the more my outlook, and walk with God changed. I began to believe that as long as we are good enough and have good intentions, that is good enough for God. Everything about me became mediocre. I did want just expected of me, in church, my family, friendships, and relationships. Then this void began to happen in my life; I felt like I was missing out on something. I sought out praise from my friends and boyfriends. Nothing could quite feel that void. Then my life became an endless spiral of bad decisions.
I started to date a boy in the same grade as me in the middle of my sophomore year. A month or so into our relationship, the boy told me that he loved me. I was shocked and did not know what to say. So I told him that I loved him as well. Even though deep down, I was not ready to say those words in that way to anyone. Still, we were in marching band together; we did a lot together. Especially during the trips, to football games and competitions. He also would write me notes. They would only be for me. Even during lunch, he would sit with me. We had many make-out sessions, as many teens do that date. There were a few times that I let it go too far, I stopped, and he understood. He did not push me any further.
About a year into our relationship, I went on this youth retreat. Through the holy spirit; I realized that I was not in the relationship with him for the right reasons. I loved being with him because he made me feel so warm and protected. However, I did not love him, I cared for him deeply, yet I just did not have those feeling of love, that one needs in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It broke my heart to break up with him, and some part of me for many years questioned if it was the correct decision. Still deep down, I know that I had to let him go before we were dating for years, and break up because I never thoroughly loved him. Who wants to be in a one-sided relationship, I know that I do not.
I did not date anyone for another year. I even dropped the marching band my senior year. I focused solely on soccer. It was the best decision I made my senior year. I loved soccer, and the band just had me stressed, and I did not even really enjoy band all that much. I just was part of it, because I was already in it, and stayed like a silly person trying to walk up to him during a snow storm. I played soccer for my school, which was a joke at the time. Seventy-five percent of the members were just a part so they could claim they were a part of a sports team. They truly believed it would be easy. It did not help that the coach at the time, was a bigot; I do not use this lightly. He refused to acknowledge anything that I did. Would only acknowledge anything that the boys have done. If I made one mistake, he would reprimand me, in the most embarrassing ways possible. Yes, I still needed work with soccer; I had the most experience, and was a true team player. I would run the whole field the entire game. I would help the defenders , and the strikers.
As my senior year progressed ,I began to lie to my parents all the more about some places I would be, and about how long I would be out for practices. I even only did good enough effort with my school work. I would just try hard enough to maintain A’s and B’s still. I just did not see the point; I had enough credits to graduate already. I wanted to know if I could get any college credit for my AP classes. In which I was able to get credit for calculus, but not my other class. I have always not scored to my true potential on state tests. My brain is just not wired that way; it has never been or ever will be.
When I turned 18, it all went down hill from there. Now that I was legally an adult. I thought I could do anything I wanted, and did not have answer to my family. I even started staying at my friends houses more often than not. Even stayed at different boys home, and went to a few parties.
Then, I started to like two different boys, that were best friends. I even went to a movie with both of them, and one of my other friends. I ended up apperently sitting in the middle of both of them holding both of their hands, and hanging all over both of them. I do not remember anything about the movie, nor being within the movie theather. I remember going into the movie theather and leaving. That part of being within th movie theather, I do not know if I will ever remember. I literally only know what my friend told me happened.
One night I was staying at one of the boys homes. My friend was all over one of the boys, and I was laying on the bed with the other boy. He was a true gentleman, he even opposed some of flumsy, and foolish attempts of taking things further. We just laid there, holding hands, and or hands rubbing up and down each other arms.
Now, my friend broke up with that boy, and wanted to date his friend. My other friend that dated him, told a half-truth about her dating endevors with this boy. Told me that I would only be hurt by him. It is not my place to say what went on with their relationship and the issues. But because of what she said, I did not date him. Decided to date his friend. This was at the end of my senior year, a month before we graduted. At first he was sweet and by me gifts, and try to talk to me on the phone or through AOL chat. One night I went to club, and lied about where I went to my parents. They found out, I was grounded for a few weeks. During those weeks, I barley had any contact with him. He did not even try to check on me to make sure all was well. I went to him, once I was not grounded anymore.
Later I found out that he was over with my friends, and stayed at their homes for most of that time that I was grounded. One of my friends said, that they had him try on their clothes, and they even slept in the same bed. (This is trigger number one). Still I let that slide, because I liked the way he made me feel most of the time. Even though he was building me up in private just to shame me in private and in public (Trigger number two). We went together with my parents on a vacation, that was fun, and I grew closer to him. He seemed to be closer to me as well. Sometime during the summer we both told each other we loved one another. This time I thought I did love him, and he loved me. Though I do not know to this day if he ever really cared about me for me or the idea of me.
Just before I was going to college I decided to go all the way with this boy. The first time was short and awkward, and painful, as it is for all first times. Afterwards, we continued to pursue one another in that way until I left for college. He even came with my mom to see me off for my endevaor of starting college.