The what ifs and the rabbit hole

At times especially lately I am getting stuck in the what ifs. What if I never find that dream job? What if no one else will hire me? What if we are stuck in this complex? What if my children never get past there current hurdles? What if I never find my true passion in life? What if my husband does not find his passion either?

I can get so stuck on the what ifs that I lose sight on the present and get stuck in a made up future that will not happen. I know that I will one find a place to work at that will treat me as a human being and it will be within my field of interest. I know my husband will find something he loves as well. I know that my children will continue to get through there current struggles even if it is at a snail pace. They are making progress.

These are the many things that have been going through my head. The one thing other than communicating with the lord about all of this that is helping me is writing. Writing it all down whether anyone sees this or not. This is my way to be more vulnerable about who I am and my struggles maybe it will help someone else maybe it won’t. I know that it is helping me.

I have to keep reminding myself of the little things and not the set backs that comes with there little progress. Along with myself at the moment I am in limbo for a job. Yet now I have more time at home. More time to build my children and husband up. More time for us to spend together. More time to just enjoy one another. Everything else will work itself out. I know it will in time I have faith and believe it will.

I just have to keep on focusing myself on all those little things and let go of the big things. Easier said than done. Still I am slowly making progress. That all that matters I will keep reminding myself of that daily.

Teenager years

From around the age of 15-18, I kept seeking out my peer’s approval, and less of my parents, siblings, and God’s support in things. The more I sought out my peer’s consent, the more my beliefs began to shift. The more my beliefs changed, the more decisions I made based on poor choices.

I soon began to lie to my parents, I lied to my siblings, and my friends. I would start to say only what others wanted to hear. Therefore no one would ever get to know the true me the real me. The more I lied, the easier it became till it became a full part myself. I told myself that we make mistakes, as long as no one gets hurt there is no wrong in what I was doing. I am trying to be a right person, and that is good enough. I stuck with that mindset up until I was in my twenties.

After the age of 14, things became more difficult, in my walk with God. I still went to many church functions and would say the right things. Ever so slowly, my heart shifted focus to my friends and wanting confirmation from them. The more that my focus shifted, the more my outlook, and walk with God changed. I began to believe that as long as we are good enough and have good intentions, that is good enough for God. Everything about me became mediocre. I did want just expected of me, in church, my family, friendships, and relationships. Then this void began to happen in my life; I felt like I was missing out on something. I sought out praise from my friends and boyfriends. Nothing could quite feel that void. Then my life became an endless spiral of bad decisions.

I started to date a boy in the same grade as me in the middle of my sophomore year. A month or so into our relationship, the boy told me that he loved me. I was shocked and did not know what to say. So I told him that I loved him as well. Even though deep down, I was not ready to say those words in that way to anyone. Still, we were in marching band together; we did a lot together. Especially during the trips, to football games and competitions. He also would write me notes. They would only be for me. Even during lunch, he would sit with me. We had many make-out sessions, as many teens do that date. There were a few times that I let it go too far, I stopped, and he understood. He did not push me any further.

About a year into our relationship, I went  on this youth retreat. Through the holy spirit; I realized that I was not in the relationship with him for the right reasons. I loved being with him because he made me feel so warm and protected. However, I did not love him, I cared for him deeply, yet I just did not have those feeling of love, that one needs in a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. It broke my heart to break up with him, and some part of me for many years questioned if it was the correct decision. Still deep down, I know that I had to let him go before we were dating for years, and break up because I never thoroughly loved him. Who wants to be in a one-sided relationship, I know that I do not.

I did not date anyone for another year.  I even dropped the marching band my senior year. I focused solely on soccer. It was the best decision I made my senior year. I loved soccer, and the band just had me stressed, and I did not even really enjoy band all that much. I just was part of it, because I was already in it, and stayed like a silly person trying to walk up to him during a snow storm. I played soccer for my school, which was a joke at the time. Seventy-five percent of the members were just a part so they could claim they were a part of a sports team. They truly believed it would be easy. It did not help that the coach at the time, was a bigot; I do not use this lightly. He refused to acknowledge anything that I did. Would only acknowledge anything that the boys have done. If I made one mistake, he would reprimand me, in the most embarrassing ways possible. Yes, I still needed work with soccer; I had the most experience, and was a true team player. I would run the whole field the entire game. I would help the defenders , and the strikers.

As my senior year progressed ,I began to lie to my parents all the more about some places I would be, and about how long I would be out for practices. I even only did good enough effort with my school work. I would just try hard enough to maintain A’s and B’s still. I just did not see the point; I had enough credits to graduate already. I wanted to know if I could get any college credit for my AP classes. In which I was able to get credit for calculus, but not my other class. I have always not scored to my true potential on state tests. My brain is just not wired that way; it has never been or ever will be.

When I turned 18, it all went down hill from there. Now that I was legally an adult. I thought I could do anything I wanted, and did not have answer to my family. I even started staying at my friends houses more often than not. Even stayed at different boys home, and went to a few parties.

Then, I started to like two different boys, that were best friends. I even went to a movie with both of them, and one of my other friends. I ended up apperently sitting in the middle of both of them holding both of their hands, and hanging all over both of them. I do not remember anything about the movie, nor being within the movie theather. I remember going into the movie theather and leaving. That part of being within th movie theather, I do not know if I will ever remember. I literally only know what my friend told me happened.

One night I was staying at one of the boys homes. My friend was all over one of the boys, and I was laying on the bed with the other boy. He was a true gentleman, he even opposed some of flumsy, and foolish attempts of taking things further. We just laid there, holding hands, and or hands rubbing up and down each other arms.

Now, my friend broke up with that boy, and wanted to date his friend. My other friend that dated him, told a half-truth about her dating endevors with this boy. Told me that I would only be hurt by him. It is not my place to say what went on with their relationship and the issues. But because of what she said, I did not date him. Decided to date his friend. This was at the end of my senior year, a month before we graduted. At first he was sweet and by me gifts, and try to talk to me on the phone or through AOL chat. One night I went to club, and lied about where I went to my parents. They found out, I was grounded for a few weeks. During those weeks, I barley had any contact with him. He did not even try to check on me to make sure all was well. I went to him, once I was not grounded anymore.

Later I found out that he was over with my friends, and stayed at their homes for most of that time that I was grounded. One of my friends said, that they had him try on their clothes, and they even slept in the same bed. (This is trigger number one). Still I let that slide, because I liked the way he made me feel most of the time. Even though he was building me up in private just to shame me in private and in public (Trigger number two). We went together with my parents on a vacation, that was fun, and I grew closer to him. He seemed to be closer to me as well. Sometime during the summer we both told each other we loved one another. This time I thought I did love him, and he loved me. Though I do not know to this day if he ever really cared about me for me or the idea of me.

Just before I was going to college I decided to go all the way with this boy. The first time was short and awkward, and painful, as it is for all first times. Afterwards, we continued to pursue one another in that way until I left for college. He even came with my mom to see me off for my endevaor of starting college.

Door closes

I have been going through many life changes in the past few months. One of the biggest ones is realizing that working at a job where the management is against me. Where every little detail and tiny mess up was blown up to something five times worse.

Yet I stayed because I loved those kiddos and I loved my co-workers in my room. Still thanks to the stay at home order. I had time to think and reflect. Yes having extra money was nice. Yet at the expense of my self worth. That is never worth it. I would rather be dead broke and happy, than have all the money and hate myself.

I have no clue where I will end up next. Every place I seek out there is a wall in place. Now, I am to wait for that window of what my next career move is going to be. Waiting is difficult but I know what is in store will be far brighter and better for me in the end.

Doors close for reasons one cannot understand more times than not. Yet once one closes one should never go back. It will only hurt us more in the end. So when you are faced at an impasse as I am now. Maybe that is just where you are supposed to be. To help you truly realize who are you are and your true potential. Irregardless of your background experience or education.

Life has a funny way of knocking us down and placing us in spots where we exactly need to be. To help us grow in ways we never would imagine.

Invisible

More times than not I feel invisible. That no one sees me and no one will notice if I disappear. That my life is a meaningless exist.

These are the many lies that I tell myself, and told to me by others of my past that I accept as the truth. Others that were only friends out of convenience. I have had other friend that used me to make themselves feel better as well.

I am tired of feeling so utterly useless. I am so tired of having friends that do not know me or accept the real me. They just want that quiet girl that they can walk all over. The girl that no one really noticed, yet us the easy target for everyone.

Enough is enough no more will I be that quiet girl. No more will I let the words have power over me. No more will I let there lies rule my life. I am not useless I am not meaningless. I have value and they will notice me.

I know that there is others out there like me. I know that there are others out there that will accept me for me no string attached. Why does life have to be so hard. Why did I let myself believe for so long that being invisible is an acceptable exsistance. No one is meant to feel this way.

We all have value and meaning. I hope everyone realizes that. Knows that no matter how dark life may seem right now. Things will get brighter things will get better. Keep moving forward. Keep on focusing on the good and let go of the bad. Look inward and notice your value. We all have value and something to offer!!

Dreams

During this time of the stay at home order I have been laid off from work for the past two months. In some ways it truly is a blessing to be able to be at home with my two growing boys. Yet at the same time it seems to be a curse. I find myself loosing myself. Loosing my nerve to put myself out there. Loosing my conviction on what I truly believe is my calling in life.

On the other hand it is nice to learn more about my children since we spent some much time together. Also finally my husband is back on first shift so we can see him more. I still find myself questioning where am I to go from here. Should I pursue at home work, part time work at another location. Where I would work around my husband’s hours? Submit my resume to local schools in hopes they will have a place for me in my desired position?

So many different paths I could take at so many different places. The one thing I do know for sure is that I am to work part time. I am to be at home more than working. I am to trust my instincts and push the envelope of what I expect of myself and believe in myself. I am far stronger and more than capable of accomplishing many different things if I just start to move.

There in lies my biggest issue to move thanks to my lack of self worth. I have very little faith in myself. That it comes to the point that I don’t even try. Enough is enough I need to try and so what if it is the wrong path than I will not be able to move forward. There will just be a huge wall in my way. Therefore I will know the path to take.

It so much harder to take risks as an adult especially with children. You do not want to take such a huge risk that effects your children and their lively hood. Yet you do not want to be stuck where you are no longer supposed to be in life for the sake of normalcy either.

I am going to take my chance and try. Put myself out there and hope for the best. I hope anyone out there that stumbles upon this will also keep trying and not giving up your own dreams for anyone else.

Confidence

This weekend started with a bomb. My husband and I fought the whole trip down to my parents. Mostly he vented out everything that was going on and wronged with my parents towards me. The children heard, and my youngest being five just being honest as five years old can be. Told my parents that daddy does not want to come into the home, and with my mom.

I was blindsided by the question, that if it was true what he said? What my husband is so upset about? I vaguely answered as I do best. I skirt around every issue if I can help it. I do not like to upset people, especially my parents. I do not want to tell discuss these things especially at a family gathering. Still my vague answer was not enough. My mother asked me to elaborate more, I tried, I just could not find the words to say. I did not how to talk to them about things that needs to be talked about without my husband with me.

I understand why my husband is upset, does not excuse his behavior and causing me to fumble and try to clean up all of his mess. It is going to be weird around my parents until we work out our differences and entirely clear the air. Still, I am not sure that if thoroughly clearing the air will make things better. There are some issues that I believe shall remain unsaid because they are partly stemmed off issues from the way in the past.

I further understand that I as well need to get better at talking at others about what bothers me about their behavior. Instead of just trying to sweep it under the rug; That is my tried and true method that never works. I am glad in a way that I did talk to them a little bit. They understand that I am not fully happy with how they speak and treat my family and me at times. I am like this with others as well. I let them walk all over me. I do not like having to talk to people, adults, face to face about anything that may upset anyone. I hate to make others upset, regardless if it a truth that needs to be heard. I would instead carry that around like a nincompoop, than let go of it, and tell them about what is bothering me, about how they interact or treat myself.

I love my husband for pushing me to be bolder, but it is a process, and it sucks. I am trying to be more open, but it is much easier to write out everything than to talk out everything. I think it all stems for my past. From those, I allowed being essential parts of my life. They used weakness against me. I fed into those lies that I was told or told myself for years. That I have nothing valuable to say, I am too awkward, to make friends anyway. No one wants to be friends, with a weirdo like me. That cannot talk about themselves, or any of their issues face to face. Without getting tongue-tied, forgetting almost everything that I wanted to talk about, end up just mumbling and talking in circles.

If I am entirely honest, some part of me knows that I need to let go of those lies. Listen to the truths about who I am; I am a caring, affectionate woman, that will is willing to listen and add my nuggets of knowledge to help out those that are struggling. I love to work with younger children, and I have a knack for finding ways to teach and entertain them. I love to help younger ones learn and love the way their mind works. I love to write and read and keep to myself.

I hope to one day to be as bold as I am at writing and talking to younger children; As I am with adults and older children. I know that in time, the more I practice and speak more with adults. Especially go out of my way to talk to other unfamiliar adults. The more I will grow with my communication skill. I hope that others similar to me will find a hold that there are light and the end of the tunnel

Preteen years

When I was ten years old, I was baptized in a church families pond. Then I started to do many things for the Lord. I also let others direct what they thought I should be doing as well. As long as it sounded good enough, it was good enough for me and my beliefs. I did not fully understand the importance of seeking out for myself and digging into the word and gaining my understanding and own time with the Lord. I did believe that the only way to get into heaven was through a relationship with Jesus Christ.

While I was 10 to about 14, I fully believed that mindset, it was in everything I did. I would inspire others, to pray and come to many different functions at the church I attended. I even had a few friends start to become regular at least youth group. I began to realize that my parents do make mistakes, and are therefore not perfect. I began to question everything they tell me, including my siblings. I even questioned God, could he help me in every situation? Does he actually care about me and my well being?

Once those questions began, and a little misguidance from those around me. That is when I started to fall and seek out my answers through my friends. I understand psychology wise that is typical for a teenager to seek the guidance of there friends more than their parents. However, since I was the guiding post for my friends with things of the Lord, it was one big jumbled mess. I kept choosing the wrong friends to be the central part of my life. Then I also started high school, and I began to like a boy in a marching band. I asked him out, and he agreed to date me.

We only dated for about a month max. When we were together, we would talk, but it was always be clipped and awkward, I never felt entirely comfortable around him. We would write to each other through notes; the issue was that I allowed my friend to also write to him. Then I realized through another friend, that this was not normal, and that they both liked each other. I broke up with the boy and told myself never to do that again.

Still, I stayed friends with that girl; I believed her when she said it was not her intentions. We were as I thought close friends we would do a lot of things together. I even did some silly crazy stuff with her before I turned 15. There was one night she was at my house staying the night, and we named all of our toes and snorted pixie sticks. I will never snort nor look at pixie sticks the same again. There are many things that I did with her because I would let others dictate my actions. I was and am still very much a doormat.

My childhood

I grew up in a christian home, my father was a pastor up until two years ago. He part of a denomination that would have him move around certain parts of the state. My family and I went to church every Sunday. My father would take a few Sundays off a year, but we would still go to another church whenever we were on vacation or out of town for whatever reason. Christianity was a strong part of my families life and my own life as well.

I loved going to church, and everything about the church. I had my greatest friends through the church. I even would pray for others at the church. Would help out as I could at a young age for the church, and for the Lord. I would also never seek out anything outside of what my parents told me was acceptable. I would believe there word as absolute fact, and would do my best to never think anything wrong about my parents or siblings. I further believed that my parents could do no wrong.

I was always the one to run around with the boys, rather than the girls. I loved to play tag, to get dirty, and make up stories of those in the woods. Including playing hide-and-go-seek in the woods. I was like of the boys from around ages three to age eight.

I struggled to make friends with those that just wanted to be my friend and accept me for me, throughout most of my childhood. It was not until I moved into a new town that I finally started to make friendships that were genuine. Still I had friendships with those that would use me to make themselves feel better. They would constantly play cruel jokes. Such as pretending a boy I had a crush on liked me. While they listened and laughed in the background.

Despite all of that God, was still with my childhood. There were those that did look out for me through the church. Whether they be a child or an adult. There was always at least the one that I could turn to at the church, that would help me feel grounded and ready to face the world.

Preschool

There for a while I worked within a preschool. My youngest was in another preschool class. My youngest, wants to be at home with me. I am his favorite parent. We read, play, and do a lot together while brother, is at school, and dad is at work. At times it was fun just being the two of us again, like before he started preschool and me working in the other room.

I wondered all the more was this the right decision to pull him out. Should I have left him at the preschool? Should I have enrolled him in a different preschool? As the months past, I realized for my family this was the best decision. I was more present with my children, and husband.

I was able to focus all the more on my own well-being, and time to take breaks. I even felt more relaxed about school. All that built up pressure that I felt while finishing out my education, and working in the preschool was gone. It took many months for all that pressure to fully dissipated.

Still I realized that with that closed door God, opened up a new door, of walking in faith, and believing in tough circumstances. He showed me what was missing in my life through this lose of a job. It was not giving him, my children, husband, or even myself enough time. The only thing that was on my mind was school or work. If I was not thinking about that I was thinking about what I needed to do next for school or work. Everything else was on the back burner. It was/is unhealthy.

Hopefully I have learned from this, and will no longer allow myself to be so burnt out that I leave no room for anything but what in the grand scheme of things is meaningless. I had it all backwards, what truly matters is love. What truly matters is my walk with God, my children, my husband, and my own sanity. I forgot this lessen, of life without love is no life at all. I had no love left no time left for anything. The pressure consumed my whole being, and I was miserable.

More Random things happening at home.

My youngest and I were playing doctors. We were first caring for a unicorn pillow. This unicorn pillow just could not get to feeling better. The patient kept throwing up and squirting out various colors of blood. The first color was green. He said, this means that it will take like cereal and milk medicine. So we gave it to her and she said yuck I hate cereal and milk. Then all the sudden she starts squirting red blood which is strawberry swirl milk. The patient likes this but then she throws up and brown blood comes out. He checks the brown blood and it stomach feel better medicine that is flavored like a rock. The unicorn gets it all down and gets up and goes back to her mom.

The next patient is a balloon the balloon starts throwing up all over the place. We look in the balloons throat it has candy stuck in the throat and a lot of cavities. We get the cavities fixed and blue blood start coming out. My son said that it was blueberry flavored medicine. The balloon felt better and went back to its mommy.